Snape Therapy
by Kittyara
Summary: Snape tries to apply at a different school and is forced to take therapy. Here's what happens.


How it started was at Camp, my friend Jessica (AKA Kia) & I had this idea  
to start out own Hogwarts-like school. So we were acting out job  
interviews for the positions, and when Snape interviewed we gave him the  
Potions job instead of the DADA job, so he went into a rage and we made  
him go to a psychiatrist to get some help before he started work. So here  
goes:  
A/N You may have heard the theory that if you scramble the letters in  
"Severus Snape" you get "Perseus Evans." So maybe he got the name after  
Hogwarts, (think Tom Riddle) So in this therapy session:  
Persues = Smeagol  
Severus = Gollum  
Snape = none of those.  
And the psyciatrist is me. :)  
DR. CATLIN: Good afternoon, Mr. Snape. Do take a seat.  
SNAPE: Well, in case you're trying to hack into my brain, let me warn  
you; I am a very powerful Occlumens.  
DR. CAITLIN: I will keep that in mind. Lay down on my couch and make  
yourself comfortable. (he does, looking a bit disgruntled.) Now, do you  
know why you're here?  
SNAPE: Yes. I see Kia about the DADA job, she says I can have potion  
instead. I no like that , so she order me to therapy and good Persues  
does! Me never gets what I wants, though.  
DR. CATLIN: Yes, Dumbledore said that your life was a sad story.  
PERSEUS: They do not see what lies ahead when sun has failed and all is  
dead.  
DR. CAITLIN: You were very much like a human once, weren't you? Persues.  
PERSEUS: What did you call me?  
DR. CAITLIN: Perseus. That was your name once, wasn't it?  
PERSEUS: (smiles) My...my name? My name. Perseus.  
DR. CAITLIN: Well, it is good you know what your name is. Let's talk  
about students. What do you think about students?  
SEVERUS: They're thieves! Dirty, rotten thieves! We hates them, we curse  
them! They stole it from us. They stole it my precious, and we wants it!  
DR. CAITLIN: (scribbles on a clipboard) Very interesting. Could you go  
into that a little dee-( Snape burst into tears and huddles on the floor,  
face away from Dr. Caitlin)  
SEVERUS: Why does it cry, Persesu?  
PERSEUS: (cries) Kia lied to us. She said she wouldn't ask questions. She  
betrayed us. She stole it from us.  
DR. CAITLIN: What did she steal from you?  
SEVERUS: (turns w/ evil look on his face) My..PRECIOUS!!! ARRGHG!!!!  
DR. CAITLIN (very scared, writing furiously) Woah woah woah! One moments  
there! Would you like a tranquilizer?  
SNAPE (shaking head and sitting back down) No, no, thank you. Where was  
I? Oh, yes..students. See, students don't seem to like me (I guess it's  
because I'm such a sexy beast)  
DR. CAITLIN: (chokes on drink and sputters)  
SNAPE: Ever since some smart-alek Ravenclaw sneaked into my  
Slytherin/Gyffindor Potions class and asked if I had fallen into an  
Uglification Potion-  
DR. CAITLIN: (looks nervous) let's move on to a different topic. Um..what  
kind of food do you like?  
SNAPE: You see, Dumbledore doesn't allow me to eat. He always vanishes  
the food on my plate. But I'll eat students who get detention with me, if  
they look like they have meat on their bones. But I also eat Swedish Fish  
(takes bag out of back pocket) Want one?  
DR. CAITLIN: Not right now.  
PERSEUS: They are warm, they are tender, they are nice and juicy. (starts  
shoving them in Caitlin's mouth) eat them! Eat them!  
CAILTIN: ALL RIGHT!!! I'll eat your confounded Swedish Fish! They are  
quite good, actually. (swallows) All right. Before you apply to the  
school, are there any, say "events" in your past that might affect your  
teaching abilities?  
PERSEUS: (shrieks and grabs left forearm) It burns! It burns! It burns  
us! Take it off us!  
DR. CAITLIN: Tak WHAT off you?  
PERSEUS: (wailing and writhing on the floor)  
DR. CAITLIN (on phone) Hello, security? could you bring backup and a very  
large tranquilizer gun? Thank you. (calls secretary) secretary? could you  
ready the padded room and a strait jacket? (Persues stops)  
SNAPE: (sits back on couch) Sorry bout that. Just sometimes I can get a  
little over-dramatic.  
DR. CAITLIN: Apparently so. Well, I have reached a diagonosis. I think  
you have multiple personalites. They are usually brout on by traumatic  
experiences as a child. Do any stick out in your mind that you would like  
to share?  
SNAPE; (eyes well up in tears) Ever since I can remember I wanted to be  
on stage. I always wanted my own act. But always it was no. Just a world  
full of no. (gets up and sings) "The name on everybody's lips in gonna be  
"Snape-ie!)  
DR. CAILTIN: Calm down!  
SEVERUS: You see what you have become, Perseus?  
PERSEUS: no no no. Mistress is our friend.  
SEVERUS: You don't have any friends. You're a liar and a thief.  
PERSEUS: No.  
SEVERUS: Murderer....  
PERSEUS: I hate you. Go away.  
SEVERUS: Go away? hahahaha! Who saved us? Who looked after us? Me! We  
never could've survived without me!  
PERSEUS: Not anymore. Mistress looks after us now. We don't need you.  
SEVERUS: What?  
PERSEUS: Leave now and never come back! Leave now and never come back!  
SEVERUS: grwwww....  
PERSEUS: LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK! (he had been hunching on the  
floor, now he looks around and starts jumping around) I told him to go  
away and away he goes! PERSEUS FREE!!!  
DR. CAITLIN: You are going to be staying here for a while, doing therapy.  
PERSEUS: We swears to do whatever Dr. tells us to. We swears to serve the  
Mistress of the Precious.  
DR. CAITLIN: (on phone) Security? Where IS that tranquilizer gun?!  
SNAPE: (looks seductively at her) Do want to get together this Friday  
night? I can whip us up a couple of potions...  
DR. CAITLIN: Actually, I am already seeing somebody. His name's Harry  
Potter...you might know him.  
PERSEUS: That fat little hobbit! who ruins nice fish!  
DR. CAITLIN: what do you mean?  
SNAPE: He cooks his fish!  
DR. CAITLIN: You're supposed to. Breaded halibut w/ fish, made from real  
good taters (starts drooling)  
PERSEUS: What's taters?  
DR. CAITLIN: Po-tat-oes! Wait...(gets look of understanding) How do you  
like your fish?  
PERSEUS: Give it to us raw and wriggling (wriggles) And keep nasty  
taters.  
DR. CAITLIN: Where do you go fishing?  
PERSEUS: (sings) Forbidden Pool is nice and cool to catch a fish so juicy  
sweeeeeet!  
DR. CAITLIN: One last question...how many times have you seen "The Lord  
of the Rings: The Two Towers"?  
SNAPE: 13,870!  
DR. CAITLIN: (claps hands) That explains it! You have Lorderitis. It is  
cause by too much Lord of the Rings. I remember in May of 2002, I  
wouldn't stop speaking Elvish and I would go on and on about how I wished  
I was an elf...Maybe you shouldn't see "The Return of the King."  
SNAPE: who wouldn't want pointy ears? I know a spell that'll do that!  
DR. CAITLIN: (admirably) Really?  
SNAPE: Look (shows her his pointy ears)  
DR. CAITLIN: You know, Friday Potions does sound good. How 'bout those  
pointy ears? Would you escort me home?  
SNAPE: Elen sila lummen omientelvo, mellon nin.  
DR. CAITLIN; Lasto beth nin: I think this is the start of a very  
beautiful relationship.  
(They hold hands and walk off to the "Lord of the Rings" Theme song) 


End file.
